Category Archives: Funny

Wiggling broccoli with stems that burn!

The dinner table discussion this evening began with one of our younger son’s facial expressions. He has some of the best looks a 7 year old could have, honestly, they can be laugh out loud funny. The conversation evolved into our elder son asking what the funniest face we ever remember him doing. Now, my husband is usually very good at regaling these kind of memories, & often when prompted he can recall the incident/occasion, which is what happened this evening. However this evening I was the storyteller, the one who remembered those moments like they were yesterday.

So what was his funniest facial expression? For me his most memorable was when he was beginning to eat more solid food. I used to steam large florets of broccoli so they were not quite mushy soft but not crunchy hard. When preparing them I left a long stem so that he could hold them & chomp on the soft floret. It was a great way to get him feeding himself. However, although he loved broccoli he didn’t take to it the first time he tried it. Like most kids he required several patient attempts before he eventually decided he liked something. I always remember when he did try something new, like the first time he tried broccoli, he would examine the foodstuff intensely for a moment before taking a bite. Then would come the highly amusing, & very sharp sideways wiggle of his head. The look on his face would resemble someone who had just tasted a corked wine. Lucky for us he grew to be a big fan of vegetables & still is to this day. Then the conversation moved onto the first time our younger son tried his first floret of broccoli…

The immediate reaction to the stem being placed in his hand was priceless. He sat holding it in exactly the same position for several minutes with a look of horror on his face as he examined it (I have a fabulous picture of him doing so). At first I thought he wasn’t going to even attempt a bite, but he obviously decided that it was worth a try. That look of horror intensified as he thrust it into his mouth & couldn’t even bring himself to chew it, instead, the entire contents just cascaded down his chin & into the tray of his plastic bib. He then dropped the stem as if it had burnt him – all equally as hilarious as his big brother’s sharp wiggle. Seven years later I am pleased to announce that broccoli is one of his favourite vegetables.

Of course there were other memories that I would love to share, but it’s impossible to describe the facial expressions that made that moment so memorable. I capture as many as possible & scrapbook them, so that one day when they hopefully have children of their own they can slide the memory out from the shelf & share it with there own family, probably because their own kids have done or do something similar.

What a nerve…

Remember my issues with Telus?

Well, a knock at the door at 9.15 this morning…

‘Good morning, I’m from Telus & I’m here to install fibre optic cables so I’ll be in & out of your yard!’

I’m speechless…

‘I haven’t arranged to have any cables installed, I don’t use Telus & I don’t want to use them.’

‘You didn’t have somebody call at the house a couple of weeks ago explaining why we are installing them?’

‘Not to my knowledge.’

‘Oh, well I have a requisition here for this property.’

He repeats my address correctly…

‘Yes that’s correct but I have no idea who has agreed to this. We have no interest in switching to Telus, now or ever to be honest.’

‘Ok. Well, I’m sorry to bother you’

… & off he went.

I text hubby & have the mother of all rants about the nerve of these people. Who the hell do they think they are organizing fake requisitions so they can worm there way onto our property. I thought the popcorn trick was pretty low, but this has gone beyond low. The cheek of it!

10 minutes later…

Hubby texts back, he agreed to the installation because apparently, in the future, Shaw might possibly also use the cables.

OOPS!!!

 

‘By the seaside’ in assembly…

Towards the end of the school year there is an assembly dedicated to volunteers like myself as a class parent. This might sound boring, & yes for the most part it is, but that depends who you sit with…

I arrived a little bit early so there were only one or two people there waiting to go into the gym. While chatting to another mum I was tapped on the shoulder by ‘mouth on legs’ mum – who as you know I am very fond of & give her this title in fun. She joins in the conversation & we end up sitting together on the far end of the second row. Just before the assembly gets underway I remember to switch my phone onto silent, & she does the same (extracting her it from her exotic dragon fruit coloured bag. The assembly begins…

About 10-15 minutes in, when everything was a bit quiet we hear music – the ‘by the seaside’ ringtone. Next to me ‘MOL’ mum is glancing sideways at us not realizing it’s her. The fact that her bag lit up so much you could have seen it from Mars didn’t seem help. All of a sudden she uncrossed her legs & dived to the floor, while her sunglasses that were neatly holding her hair back fell onto her face & she was whispering ‘I thought I’d switched it off’ over & over to herself.

The assembly continues along to the music as the contents of her purse start to fly around her, & some of the students nearby start craning their necks to see what the commotion is. Those around her, including myself who had front seat view of the entertainment, are now finding it hard to contain ourselves, and then we hear a ‘click’. She had now accidently taken a picture of the inside of her purse while trying to extract the phone. She instantly sat up, phone in hand – now louder & even more tuneful than before – with her sunglasses croaked on her face. She frantically began banging her fingers on the phone with her head tilted back trying to look down under the sunglasses. At this point I am now crying & desperately trying to hide behind the person in front of me so the teachers sitting on the opposite wall can’t witness our juvenile behavior (including hot teacher of course).

Finally it stops, she pushes her sunglasses back onto her head & lent into me to whisper ‘do you think anyone noticed?’ I swear I thought I was going to be incontinent right there & then.

Around the dinner table…

This evening we ended up discussing what we would name an extra day of the week if we could have one. We all agreed that we would likely want that day to be part of the weekend because it’s too short, maybe in-between Saturday & Sunday. I named this ‘Nutherday’, as in another day. As the conversation developed, & remember this is with a 9&7 year old, we decided that you might not always want that extra day in the weekend. Some people might need it in the middle of the week, or on a Tuesday to make an extra long weekend, or a Friday.

Now of course if we all want a ‘Nutherday’ on different days of the week, & not every week of course we would only be allowed so many a year, that’s going to completely screw up the calendar etc. So, these ‘Nutherday’s’ need to be enjoyed along side the real days, in a sort of parallel universe. That way everything carries on in your absence, but your not really absent because you would slot right back into life exactly where you left off, you’ve just had a little mental holiday to recharge or catch up on something.

With me so far?

Anyway, hubby then announced, & thank god we were all finished eating at this point, that he would name them ‘Pudays’, Parallel Universe days – only he pronounced it ‘Pooday’. Well as you can imagine the entire dinner table were in tears & suffering severe bellyache. I think we all laughed for a good 5 minutes. Then laughed at each other, laughing.

So now if you hear me declare that I need a ‘Puday’ it has nothing to do with what you might think. I simply just need an extra day in the week to either catch up with myself, or just take some time out to recharge my batteries, you know like a duvet day without having to lie to the boss!

Lunch with lumberjacks!

Whenever hubby has a stay-cation we always make sure we go for lunch one day, especially if the boys are in school. This week that day was today. Although the wasn’t cold, it was hazy & cooler than recent days so we decided not to head down to one of our favourite spots on the water front. We hadn’t been to 4th Avenue in a while, a trendy part of town that’s almost at the water front, so we made for there & strolled into a sports bar that we’ve been to many times. It turned out they had changed their menu & gone more ‘country’ both in style, music & what they screen. I have no problem with this, I love country music & cowboy food, however, when our romantic lunch for two was taken over by lumberjacks, it was‘nt so funny… or was it?

After discussing a few things regarding plans for the rest of the week, summer camps & vacations over a cheeky glass of something pink, our food arrived. While happily munching away we both find ourselves glued to the large flat screens that are visible from every angle. You will never believe what we were watching, the most bizarre competition I have ever witnessed in my entire life. Now, when I mention the word lumberjack us girls have an instant mental image of what he should look like. Well I have news for you ladies, over 6ft of solid muscle with 5‘o’clock shadow in a checked shirt & tight fitting jeans is far from reality. Not only that, he doesn’t bravely climb trees & shout ‘timber’ in his sexy deep voice. Oh no, what I witnessed today has completely shattered all my illusions, & to crush me even more some of the competitors were women – well at least that what they said they were, it was difficult to tell.

The first task in the competition was some sort of under arm axe chopping. They stood on top of a large section of a log that had been stripped of bark & then hacked away at it until it fell in two. There was obviously a recognized technique they used because each log was marked out with a ‘V’. They went from side to side with their axe chopping the living daylights out of this thing – while continuing to stand on top. Now what concerned me the most was not that they were on top of something that at some point was going to collapse. No, it was the fact they were doing this in runners with no protection for their feet whatsoever. How many toes had they lost before finally mastering the art of always hitting the wood? It only took the fastest man 33 seconds to eventually hack his log in two. This individual might have been fast & you would expect him to at least manage to flex a little bit of bicep wouldn’t you? Nope! The only thing that seemed to flex with any impressive regularity was his beer gut, & let’s not even get into how ‘attractive’ the rest of him was.

Moving onto a more traditional way of log chopping, with a saw. Once again both men, & apparently women, competed, but this time against each other. To be fair some of the women did actually have very toned backs that clearly worked out regularly, sadly that image of mine did not ring true for the male section, more beer guts, wobbly bits, & one guy was 60 if he was a day!

All in all it might not have made for the romantic luncheon we set out to enjoy, but it was rather entertaining even if it was a bit sad that we sat & watched such tripe at 1 in the afternoon. We strolled back out into the now sunny weather with time to kill & although walking is not good for me right now I suggested a little wander down the street (hubby is not stupid, 2 of my favourite shops were a block away). I manage to steer him in the direction of Miz Mooz (Probably my favourite shoe shop in the whole world along with John Fluevog). I exit the store twenty minutes later with one more bag than I went in with. I ask him if he would like to go to Lululemon (then it’s his fault we are in there not mine you see – cunning!), again we each exit the store 40 minutes later with one more bag than we went in with.

All in all I would say a very successful date wouldn’t you?

Monster shop Monday!

06.20 – Boot camp started early because the boy’s rooms are very messy & my lovely cleaner comes on a Monday, & it is not her job to pick up after them!

08.15 – We are having July weather in the middle of April so it was a gorgeous morning for a walk in the park. Somehow, despite it being very dry, Tess still managed to end the walk filthy.

09.30 – Home for a quick change, say hi to my cleaner, make a hair appointment for something new & funky (hopefully), then out to do the grocery shopping. On the way I have to replace the gym kit that elder child has lost, replace the mouth guard that younger child has lost, post our friends jacket back to him in Calgary, & get gas (gas was first or I wouldn’t have made it to the other things).

12.30 – A monster shop that included new patio throw cushions – buy one for $12 & get a second for $1 – Bargain so I bought 8!! On the way home elder child calls me to say his drama club is going to be finishing at 5.30pm because of a dress rehearsal. This is a problem (although I don’t tell him that of course) because younger child finishes at 4pm.

13.00 – Home to the bit I hate, the putting away bit.

14.00 – It was scorching out there so I set too & cleaned the BBQ. Now it will be s shame to use it because it’s so shiny & clean.

15.30 – I am getting ready to leave for school when I receive another call from elder child – He’s eaten everything & is starving, can I take him some food (I swear he has a tapeworm). I was taking food anyway knowing that he would waste away before dinner.

16.00 – Roof down, new hat on & Ed Sheeran! I drop off food in the middle of rehearsal & pick up younger child form the lobby who I allow to have a quick play for 5 minutes in the playground before home (see I can be a nice mum sometimes).

17.00 – I’ve just put dinner in the oven when elder child calls – they are finished. Now this is very inconvenient everything was planned around a 5.30 pick up (I wasn’t so nice at this point but it wasn’t really his fault). I text hubby who is on his way home & offers to pick him up.

18.30 – I am on my way to the spare room to do some stretching when I come across younger child outside his bedroom door, on the landing, pointing his Nerf gun at something at the far end. I peek round to see & to my horror he’s about to shoot Shaun the Sheep. I ask him what on earth he thinks he’s doing… ‘Lamb blasting’ he very matter of factly answers, as if this is some age old traditional sport that I should know about. Needless to say I was speechless but couldn’t help laughing, especially when he fired his gun & hit poor Shaun right between the eyes!

18.45 – While elder child & I do some Pilates I get a text from my BFF, she’s fallen asleep on the couch so will be late coming over. I am all confused at this point because I think we are getting together on Thursday. She’s in no fit state to come over anyway having just woken up so we abandon the plans & will definitely get together next Monday – I remembered eventually why she can’t do Thursday’s.

19.30 – Boys in bed & hubby is out. I am determined not to drink wine & so far my cranberry soda is no substitute but a good alternative.

 

Sorry sort of Sunday…

07.30 – I am playing the ‘never again’ game in my head.

08.20 – I finally manage to drag my sorry backside out of bed.

08.40 – 2 Tylenol, a glass of water later & a bucket of tea I actually don’t feel too bad.

08.50 – I blame the 9oz glass of Ardbeg – our server miss heard me & thought I asked for a glass of Malbec, she asked would I like 6 or 9ozs. I look at her funny & having already had 2, maybe 3, cocktails I shamelessly say 9oz. Then when I thought about it that would be a VERY LARGE whisky! The 9oz glass of Malbec arrives & I immediately say ‘that’s not whisky’… & oh how we laughed!

09.15 – I revive myself in the shower.

10.00 – We iChat to the grandparents for 2&1/2 hours.

13.30 – After a snacky lunch we make plans for hubby & elder child to ride, but then hubby continue on to do a longer ride.

14.00 – They disappear off in their lycra, younger child & I sort ourselves out to follow & meet them.

15.00 – We pick up elder child at the park, wave off hubby, & then walk the dog.

16.15 – We all arrive home at the some time, younger child is upset because he can’t ride with daddy, so daddy then takes him out locally around the streets for a short ride.

17.00 – Swearing & cursing from my craft room as hubby tries to put up some rails on the wall for me – I now have to fill & re-paint part of the wall! I mow the boy’s hair as my seven year old is currently sporting quite the Mohawk right now & needs frequent tidying.

17.30 – Hubby finally gives up on putting the other rails up because one was such an ordeal.

18.15 – While hubby supervises the boys showering, I clean up after dinner, make lunches, & empty the dryer & the washer – discovering the ‘washable’ brown paint that elder child’s white polo shirt was covered in is not as washable as advertised! Who’s idea is it to have anything white as part of a school uniform? I assume a man’s.

19.00 – We promised the kids we’d play a board game even though it’s getting late. They chose Scatergories, tonight’s favourite answer came from elder child. The category was ‘things you do with left over turkey’ beginning with the letter ‘P’, his answer… ‘polish it off!’ – & oh how we laughed.

20.00 – Kids in bed & believe it or not I don’t fancy a glass of wine tonight!

A day in the life of…

07.55 – Left with kids for school run. Dog not very happy at being left behind because I have to come straight home to book summer camps at 9.00.

08.10 – Dropped kids at school.

08.25 – Arrive home, sort out the Everest sized pile of laundry from the weekend away. Empty the dryer because I forgot to before we went away & place half the items back in the laundry pile because they weren’t dry & therefore smelt bad!

08.55 – Dog sat waiting at the door cross-legged & deeply dissatisfied with the late walk situation.Get computer ready to refresh & go only to find that registration doesn’t open until 11.00 – #@$%!!!!

09.10 – No time to go out to the park, dog now furious about on-leash walk.

10.00 – My cleaner arrives, I make coffee, we chat because I need to make sure she’s ok & she just about is. We have a hug & she gets to work.

10.55 – Finally I’m ready to book!

11.05 – I’m still trying to set up the account & my time is ticking for securing my camps – both of which are in my elder son’s name & I have no idea how to change that. I call & no bugger answers the phone because fools like me are on the other end! I eventually book it in my younger son’s name because there is still space & delete the other one. I finally pay with 2 minutes to spare while my cleaner fires up the vacuum to drown out my swearing.

11.30 – 2.30 I write the rest of the chapter I started last night & make 40 trips to the washer/dryer.

3.00 – Practice my guitar & swear at that too.

3.45 – Pick hubby up from work on the way to picking up the kids. My phone says it’s playing my music, the car says it’s playing my music, but there is no music playing. The roof is down I NEED MUSIC… so I swear at that too!

4.40 – We get home, quickly feed all the animals so we can leave the kitchen alive. Get the boys changed into swim gear, throw a snack & drink at them, leave for a swimming club trial at 5.20.

5.15 – Swim trial, goes well for both but younger son would be better waiting until September to join. We get the training schedule & it doesn’t fit in with are current schedule so that was worth breaking our necks to get to!

6.00 – Dinner, homework, showers, lunches…

7.15 – BED!

7.16 – WINE!

 

 

 

Overalls!!

I’ve owned several pairs as both as a child & grown up, but my last pair was about 20 years ago. I have always loved them even though they are unflattering in a kind of cute way. While out doing some shopping I saw a pair in the window of a well-known trendy store, the modern day version of which is full of man made rips & holes, I totally had to have them!

My husband rolled his eyes when I told him, but then when he had a fashion show he was sold declaring that they were very me. It wasn’t until the following day at school pick up that the boys saw their mum looking like an overgrown toddler. My younger son was the first to clap eyes on me outside his classroom, he just looked wide eyed & said ‘Mum, why are you wearing those?’ Then refused to walk with me. After some persuading he rode the elevator with me (I can’t do stairs anymore), when the doors slid open on the ground floor – where 500 parents wait for their kids – my elder son was waiting for me…

However, he wasn’t the first person to acknowledge my attire. Across the lobby was my class parent partner waving furiously at me because what was she wearing – OVERALLS TOO! Quite a few parents acknowledged that we looked quite cool, but where was my elder son at this point… almost hiding the washroom, mortified that not only was his mum parading around looking like a lost farmer, but his best friend’s mum was too.

It didn’t end there, the glorious weather & early summer temperatures allowed a long play in the playground, but when we had to leave, would they walk with me – not in a million years. This called for some serious action; my children were embarrassed, so of course I’ve worn them every day since!

Note to self…

Today I finally ventured out after living in a viral fog for almost a week. We had a number of places to go, including Ikea & Costco, thankfully all in the same area. When we arrive at any of these places, my younger son has an irritating habit of getting into the store & then declaring, after we’ve passed the bathrooms, that he needs to go. Of course he’s bursting which he most have known when we passed them. So hubby took him while my elder son helped me write out the isle & bin number for my new craft room furniture. We were done very quickly & there was no sign of the other two so we slowly carried on around the store. I hadn’t picked up a cart so I ended up carrying some items, which were awkward. When we got to the elevator there was still no sign of them so I asked my son if he could text his dad using my phone, as I had my hands full. Why did I not put the items down & do myself?

It’s not very often I let my kids use my phone, it’s usually to chose music in the car or if I’m driving to see who’s texting me. He simply wrote ‘where are you?’ & pressed send. We waited a few minutes, no reply, but then we saw them & that was that, I mentioned the text & didn’t think anything more about it. It wasn’t until some time later when we were heading to are last store – Costco – that I checked my phone…

There was a panicked text from my BFF asking if I was ok, she was worried about me. I was, of course, quite confused about this, wondering why she was asking. When I went into the phone to reply there was the answer on the same thread. My son had texted her & not my husband, probably because she was the last person that I’d texted the night before. I quickly declared that this was the result of allowing your 9 year old to send a text on your behalf – note to self! I reassured her that all was well & she need not worry, to which she was relieved to hear.

No wonder my husband didn’t answer my text!!