Category Archives: Emotions

I wish…

I wish for a lot of things but tonight I wish I could get excited again about swimming. I don’t understand why I don’t enjoy it anymore. I used to be a complete water babe, swimming for a club until I was about 16, then only really stopped my 2-3 miles a week when I had my eldest child. It’s supposed to be really good for me, both mentally & physically so why does it make me grumpy & emotional? Physically I feel like I’ve done 20 rounds in a boxing ring not 20 lengths of the pool. If it wasn’t for the fact I would just be sitting for 3 hours watching the boys swim for their club & ‘pinning’ stuff I probably wouldn’t have got back in the water. The only thing that makes me feel good about it is that I can get into the ‘fast lane’ & pass the same person twice in the time it takes them to do one length!

I remember when I used to swim at the Aquatic centre when we first moved to Canada. I was pretty fit then, but, I would often have to move from the fast lane into the medium lane to use my kick board. I think if I swam there now I would just about survive in the slow lane. It is a 50 metre pool, which I used to love because you didn’t have to tumble turn as much. Maybe it was psychological, but I always thought I swam further because the lengths didn’t seem much longer really. Not sure how I’d manage 20 lengths of a 50m pool now.

Like I say, it can only be good for me, & maybe I’m expecting too much of myself. In my head my body can still do everything it did before, but in reality it needs to find a new level for the way it is now. It makes me feel old & crippled, even though I’m not really. It’s good that the boys club night makes me do it, & I think it sets a good example to them for the future.

I’ll keep going…

They say write everyday…

… well somedays you just don’t feel like writing. Not because you have nothing to say, you just don’t feel like it.Then other days you just want to write all day & all night. I don’t think it should be forced, writing for the sake of it is not going to make you a better writer. Write what you want, when you want & how you want, because you are writing for you & nobody else!

One thing led to another…

… & before a realized what I was doing I’d rearranged half the room. My craft room is great, I love it. However, I still wasn’t sure I had some if the things in the right place yet. Today, when I was clearing away one project ready to start another one, I began to feel like all I was doing was moving deck chairs on the Titanic. Every where I wanted to put something down there was already something else in it’s way. So I would move that somewhere else & then later want to put something else there, & so it went on.

I’m suffering from insomnia again at the moment. My neck is causing me a lot of discomfort, for reasons that are not very clear. I have some stuff fogging my brain & clouding my thoughts – both during the day & at night. I know I’m not on the ball right now, I’ve given the boys each other’s lunches a few times now, & is not always easy for them to switch at school. I’m forgetting things & behaving clumsy. It’s not a bad thing that I am just hanging out at home for most of this week, less likely to get into any serious trouble. Instead, I could have gotten my self into a right pickle moving shelves, but of course I didn’t think of that at the time, or how bad it would be for my neck!

Still, it’s done now & I think it will work better to have all my card making & scrapbooking stuff occupying one corner of the room instead of either side of my big craft table. I now have my eye on our old dining room table to put my sewing machine on, but it’s currently being stored in a different part of the house. I think it best that I save that for another rainy day.


Me? A common criminal?

We don’t cross the border that often to collect goods we have shipped within the US. I would say it’s on average 3-4 times a year. Whenever I do go I take the dog to the beach. On a clear blue sunny day like today, there is a stunning view of Mount Baker from Point Roberts Lighthouse Park. We recently ordered some clothing from a US company that aims its products at outdoorsy people. Although we can buy in Canada, the amount of choice is limited & we were both looking for very specific styles. I decided that I would pop down today, take Tess to the beach & pick up the parcel. I planned to go straight from the school drop off.

The first indication that this was going to be one of those days was a phone call from elder child about 5 minutes after I’d dropped him off. Today was the first day for using their iPads again & he’d forgotten his. I told him that I would go home & pick it up for him, but if he forgets it again he has to take responsibility for it, I won’t be picking it up again. So, after going home & back to school again, I was late getting away & therefore hit a lot of traffic.

Getting to Point Roberts was a bit of a drag but I pulled up outside the shipping company at about 9.30. I collected the bag of clothes, opened it, glanced inside, noticed the invoice tucked between the items, and then set off to the beach. I walked on the beach with the dog for about 45 minutes. It was a gorgeous day but there was definitely a nip in the air & it was quite breezy. I decide to head back to the border. I have done this enough times now to know the drill.

I was asked to produce my Nexus card… what my license plate was… how long had I been over the border… did I have any goods returning to Canada… then, what was the value of the goods. I had answered every question without hesitation until that one. I genuinely had no idea how much; hubby had placed the order & had received all the correspondence I couldn’t have even guessed. I stuttered, & began to shake a little, trying to clumsily extract the invoice from the bag. That was when it all started to really go wrong. The invoice just itemized the contents & it’s individual cost, not a final total. Math is not my strong point even when I’m not under pressure. I scanned the figures & stupidly guessed, then corrected myself when I realized it was probably more. It was all over by this point he was already completing the yellow slip of shame that I had to take into the office. The worst bit was yet to come, he informed me that if the total of the goods is more than $100 over my declaration I could have my Nexus card taken form me. I almost threw up into his booth!

I did as the officer instructed, then presented myself to one of his colleagues in the office. The second guy was a bit nicer & not so abrupt, but he still gave me lecture. Then informed that he would only give me a warning this time, & this would be noted on my Nexus card. If this happens again I would have it confiscated. I could feel tears prickling at the back of my eyes. I was made to feel like a criminal, when I had made a genuine mistake, & the duty I had to pay was not even the issue. I know I should have had the amount calculated before I tried to cross the border, but honestly, I didn’t think to do so. I am normally so particular about these things, & nine times out of ten I’ve ordered so I already know the price. Then…

He asked me for my keys so he could search the vehicle. OMG! I had done nothing wrong, what did he expect to find. Poor Tessy was in the back too. He asked me to remove her, and then he & his colleague then put on gloves – GLOVES – like I’m a drug dealer or a murderer for god’s sake – they searched everywhere. Under the booster seat, in the glove compartment, under the drivers seat, in the trunk – EVERYWHERE!! I can’t even begin to describe to you how this felt. I was shaking, worried that they were going to find something that I knew wasn’t there. It was a total nightmare.

I then had another 10 minutes of waiting in the office until they returned my keys & Nexus card. I was in absolute tatters by this point & probably not concentrating very well driving home. I felt like a common criminal. I can’t even begin to imagine ever trying to cross again!

The trigger…

We all have at least one chapter in our lives that we never want to re-read, but sadly there are triggers that pop up & catch us unawares, forcing us to re-visit very unhappy memories form the past. Today the boys & I met hubby for lunch when he had a big gap in his conference schedule. We all drove downtown to park up at the conference centre where we would peel off to do some shopping. As we approached the parking lot he mentioned something that gave me an instant wave of nausea, but it wasn’t until a few seconds later that I felt sick to my stomach.

There it was, the trigger, the thing that I hoped I would never see again. It stood innocently in all it’s glory waiting to create many happy memories for others, when all it did for me was to destroy my idealistic illusions of a significant birthday. I wanted to cry.

Once we had said our goodbyes the boys & I had little choice but to pass the trigger again. They were excited to see it, reminiscing about the fun they’d had, & hoped to one day do it again. It will not be an experience I will ever want to repeat, that ship has sailed along with the devastation that followed. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t sound enthusiastic, I tried to steer them away & change the subject, unsuccessfully.

I don’t think they noticed my change in mood, but hubby did when we met for lunch. It was not a subject we talk about in front of the kids, & especially with a member of the conference present who also joined us for lunch – he too brought the subject up. I wanted to be as far away from it as possible but there was nowhere to run.

It wasn’t until this evening when hubby asked me again if I was ok that opened up & broke down. He hadn’t appreciated how much it would get to me still, but then his experience of that time has always been very different to mine. I suppose I too am a little shocked at my reaction, maybe there is still a part of me that has still not moved on & accepted that it is in the past. I have come a long way since then I don’t want this to set me back.