The trigger…

We all have at least one chapter in our lives that we never want to re-read, but sadly there are triggers that pop up & catch us unawares, forcing us to re-visit very unhappy memories form the past. Today the boys & I met hubby for lunch when he had a big gap in his conference schedule. We all drove downtown to park up at the conference centre where we would peel off to do some shopping. As we approached the parking lot he mentioned something that gave me an instant wave of nausea, but it wasn’t until a few seconds later that I felt sick to my stomach.

There it was, the trigger, the thing that I hoped I would never see again. It stood innocently in all it’s glory waiting to create many happy memories for others, when all it did for me was to destroy my idealistic illusions of a significant birthday. I wanted to cry.

Once we had said our goodbyes the boys & I had little choice but to pass the trigger again. They were excited to see it, reminiscing about the fun they’d had, & hoped to one day do it again. It will not be an experience I will ever want to repeat, that ship has sailed along with the devastation that followed. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t sound enthusiastic, I tried to steer them away & change the subject, unsuccessfully.

I don’t think they noticed my change in mood, but hubby did when we met for lunch. It was not a subject we talk about in front of the kids, & especially with a member of the conference present who also joined us for lunch – he too brought the subject up. I wanted to be as far away from it as possible but there was nowhere to run.

It wasn’t until this evening when hubby asked me again if I was ok that opened up & broke down. He hadn’t appreciated how much it would get to me still, but then his experience of that time has always been very different to mine. I suppose I too am a little shocked at my reaction, maybe there is still a part of me that has still not moved on & accepted that it is in the past. I have come a long way since then I don’t want this to set me back.

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