That moment when you…

… finally realize that you might never be able to do something you really enjoy.

We took the boys to the climbing wall today with some good friends we have started climbing with last year. Hubby is nursing a back injury & I threatened divorce if he climbed – & as you know I’m the first person to practice what I preach (haha!). So we both just belayed the kids, which is pretty much what I’ve done for some time now but at least the option was still there for me to have a go if I was feeling good. Not now, I had a moment, about an hour after we’d arrived, when I was just standing in the open space of the more difficult/lead climbs. Elder child was grabbing a snack while hubby belayed younger child, & our friends were on the lead wall. I looked around at all the people working their way to the top, their determination, concentration & the thrill of what they were achieving. That’s when it hit me…

The physician’s are running out of solutions to fix my knee. When I see my surgeon again on Friday I think it will be a very frank discussion about whether or not she can help me. Or more to the point, if she is willing to do the only thing that hasn’t been tried yet – surgery of some description. If nothing more can be done to make it even slightly better I will be facing the reality that this is it. No more family skiing, bike rides, hiking, and definitely no more climbing.

Yes there are people much worse off than me, especially when the loss of such trivial activities to some are what’s making me sad, but family time is priceless & these are activities we enjoy together. Ok, so I can still belay & I can après ski, but this is not the same as enjoying those moments that only you share with the people you love. For example, the epic yard sale that one of you has suddenly when you looked like you were nailing every mogul; or the amazing view while sat having lunch at a glacial lake where the dog slipped off a log & fell in; or the cool breeze across your face because you’re enjoying one of those rare occasion in Stanley Park when you can cycle faster than the joggers.

I still want to do all those things because so many other things have taken away. Keep your fingers crossed I can have them back – & soon.

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