Dear Telus…

I’m not sure why we broke up all those years ago, maybe it’s because Rogers gave us a better deal, but really it doesn’t matter – we are over! You seem to still have some trouble dealing with this, & I have gone out of my way to be very unpleasant to you during recent encounters. There is nothing worse than a cold calling company that won’t give up. I don’t know what part of ‘I’m not interested’ you don’t understand? You are not the only service provider you know despite what you might think.

It might interest you to know that we have recently reduced our Shaw package, so whatever deal you were trying to cut was never going to be a big win for you anyway. Unless you can provide over 500 cable channels that actually screen something worth watching I’m not interested. Then there is the robotic way in which your people communicate, here’s the thing, if you are going to try & entice new customers to move over to your dark side don’t insult their intelligence by trying to seduce them with a scripted speech, especially if your staff don’t actually speak English & can’t pronounce half the words correctly.

After receiving more than one cold call a month for so long now I don’t remember, last month I thought we had finally brought you down. By disconnecting our landline you were no longer able to stalk us with your robotic minions. I would no longer get angry interrupting the preempted text as they continued to read even though I clearly was not interested. I did not enjoy cutting you off, it did not make for a calm day, but I can say that the satisfaction I eventually gained from jabbing my forefinger on that button in the end was very powerful. All of this is now no more, or so I thought…

I am not surprised you have now stooped this low. Although I have to say trying to win our hearts back with food is quite clever. Suffice to say, I’m STILL not interested! I really don’t care what you might have to offer us anymore, even if you have the latest movies or TV shows, fastest internet connection or coolest phones, the bag of microwave popcorn you sent me is frankly a rather pathetic attempt at marketing. You didn’t even have the balls to deliver it your self you just sent it in the regular mail. Now, if you were going to shout us a meal for two at Hawksworth – with a babysitter & a cab thrown in – I might be prepared to listen for 5 minutes, but popcorn – really?

Have a word with yourself & please don’t bother us again WE ARE NOT INTERESTED!

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