Freaking out!

My mind has worked overtime today I can’t stop thinking about what might be coming next. It started after a very brutal massage that will hopefully make my knee more comfortable, but was very unpleasant at the time, & is very tender now. My therapist was not surprised at my diagnosis. In fact, it was a light bulb moment for her because it all totally makes sense now. It explains the pain – when & where I feel it; why clinically it looks dislocated, but the joint is stable & in place on the scans; why I respond to steroids, but they’ve never cured the problem; & why it was a gradual progression of symptoms, with no obvious injury.

I know the management of this very unusual condition, in someone like me, is going to need careful consideration. However, now that the mystery has been solved I just want somebody to say ‘right, this is what we need to do’. Even if it is surgery, which is looking highly likely, I just want them to get on with it. The longer I have to think about it, the more I’ll worry. When I had spine surgery about 10 years ago now, I don’t remember feeing this scared, & I probably should have been. That was BC (Before Children) when there was just hubby & I. Now, I am the typical stay at home mum, my husband works full time so if I’m laid up for even just a day or two it will have a huge impact on my family. It isn’t just getting the kids to school; it’s walking the dog, doing the shopping, the laundry, the cooking, and any other chores that need to be done during the working day.

It isn’t just the logistics of every day life, it’s the impact that being inactive has on the rest of my body. It has already done a lot of adapting because of the awkward way in which I have to walk. That is why the massage was so uncomfortable, all my leg muscles, in both legs, are tight from over compensating. I always feel worse before I feel better after these sessions, I know that now, but it still doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. ICE, ICE, ICE!! That is what I am doing whenever I can. If nothing else it numbs the area so I don’t feel it anyway. Oh, & there’s the glass of wine, & a large bowl of peanuts. I’m home alone tonight, kids are in bed, my girl is snoring next to me – taking up most of the sofa, & I am going to finish chapter 17, then watch a movie.

Tomorrow is a new day… & new visitor arrives!

2 thoughts on “Freaking out!

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