Today I am beaten.
Playing mind games with the bottle of pills that sits on the shelf, pretending that if I can see them they will take the pain away. I hate taking them, they screw up my system & make me feel slow. I’m not even sure they will take the pain away today, that’s why I’m pretending. The person that is staring back at me in the mirror is not me; I have been replaced by a similar version that looks tired & old, sad & withdrawn, pale & lifeless. You see that’s what it does to you, it takes the real you & hides them away until you have the strength to find yourself again. Each time it happens, a tiny piece of you is lost forever until eventually the last piece will disappear & you finally give up trying.
Every time this happens I wonder why, & more questions arise that will always remain an unanswered. Longer periods of time pass between events, but I never get a break from it, it’s always there, torturing me and probably laughing at me. Testing my strength to see just how far I will go before I snap. It’s wearing when your reserve runs on empty most of the time. I just want it to go away and leave me alone, instead of flaunting itself in front of me & celebrating its success, when my greatest success today had been to just get through.
Then tomorrow is a new day…