It’s been sometime since I read (rather than wrote!) a book I haven’t been able to put down. I’m a ‘read a chapter every night in bed’ kind of reader. I have just finished reading the type of book I wish I could write, and maybe one day I will. Amusing, romantic, and emotional… ‘Me Before You’ by JoJo Moyles. It was the kind of book that helps me put my own pain and suffering into perspective, especially when I’m having a bad few days, which I am right now. Even though I am reduced to tears when my husband is digging his elbows into all those nasty tight knots, really, it’s not that bad. Even when my physio is sticking needles in my backside and the pain is so intense I want to scream the clinic down, really, it’s not that bad. Even when I can’t do something I used to do with regularity and complete ease, before I was diagnosed with ‘it’, really, it’s not that bad.
It controls. It plays games with my mind. It chips away at everything, claiming little pieces of my life. It makes me rebel. It makes me angry. It has changed parts of me, both mentally and physically, so much that I’ll never be able to go back to being ‘me before ‘it’’. One of the biggest physical changes has been losing muscle tone through lack of exercise, and significant weight loss due to dietary restrictions and medication induced nausea. I used to be curvy, but fit, toned and healthy looking. Now, I find I’m unable to purchase a particular item of clothing I like because they don’t make it small enough, and I have women telling me how amazing I look, which is a great confidence boost, but they have no idea how and why I got here… ‘it’ led me. I used to love all kinds of food – there was very little I wouldn’t try or eat – but now, food and I are not very good friends. When I hear the compliments, it gives me a greater understanding how those with eating disorders can carry on doing what they do. The compliments drive them on to continue. Thankfully I actually do want to eat, but ‘it’ is in control of that, not me.
Once again I give you the reason why I wrote a book. I’m not looking for a new career, or to be recognized as great writer. I’m not looking for fame and fortune. Granted, if it all comes good and those things happen, well hey, bonus! It’s out there now, and it’s even being read somewhere in the world, because people have bought it. It is something that ‘it’ can NEVER take away from me, it can’t even get close. ‘It’ has no claim on any part of my publication, this is all about me… and not ‘it’.